"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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