I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
