im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would fuck him just for his dog
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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