I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
