come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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