Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
