I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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