I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
