I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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