just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
