He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How naked do you want me to be?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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