I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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