She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
