I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
