Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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