So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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