Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
