i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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