OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
