Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
