Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
