im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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