i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
