The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
