so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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