i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
