First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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