How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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