stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
