Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
