True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
