Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
