I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
