I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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