Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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