I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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