Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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