and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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