I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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