and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
