i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
