I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had to cum in my sink.
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