Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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