Welp...herpes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
