im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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