he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
