I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she woke up with a sticky ear
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
