His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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