dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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