Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
