8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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