I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
