I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it's like iHOP with fire
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
