someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
